The definitive ranking of America’s Easter candy

Part of the travesty of the Internet is that anyone can claim to be an expert on anything. So today, I declare myself an expert on a passion of mine: candy. You can trust me.

A few weeks ago, Cory and I ran inside Target so I could purchase a Netflix card. (Long story, but my debit card number was stolen and my new card didn’t come in until after the Netflix grace period was over, so I needed a gift card to use as payment. It was crucial that I continue my access to bizarre indie movies and 1980s flicks.) As we were leaving, we passed the two or three aisles packed with nothing but Easter candy.

“I want…all the things,” I squeaked out to no one in particular, though it drew a laugh from Cory. We trailed our fingers over the pastel-colored malted milk chocolate M&Ms package and traded eyes of passion with some Snickers eggs. There was just one problem: Cory has been showing remarkable discipline in monitoring his sugar lately, and, although it’s hard for me to exercise as much resolve as he does at all times, I didn’t want to tempt him by giving in to the seductive candies.

Regardless, Easter candy is awesome. It gets me in the spirit of spring, and its colors exude happiness and the secret to world peace. Although all Easter candy is fun to look at, not all Easter candy is created equal. Similarly to my list of screwed-up classic Christmas songs, here is my definitive ranking of Easter candy:

My quickly diminishing stash.

10. Peeps – Seriously, who ever thought these were a good idea? That’s all I’m gonna say about these nasty (albeit cute) things.

9. Jellybeans – After gumming a handful of these around in your mouth for a few seconds, it all tastes like a wad of papier mache.

8. Nestle Crunch Easter bunny – I’m all about some Nestle Crunch, but about all this has going for it is the adorable bunny shape. Other than that, it’s nothing special.

7. Snickers eggs – While also similar to its original candy, the Snickers egg, for some reason, seems to have a different and more delightful texture. Perhaps the chocolate robing the goodness inside is a different thickness, which enhances the sweetness. (Lots of “-ness” in that sentence.)

6. Reese’s eggs – Some of you may consider it criminal that I’m putting the Reese’s egg this low on the list, but it’s no reflection on Reese’s; there’s just Easter candy I like better. These are always incredible and unique from the original Reese’s cup, just like all of the Reese’s forms (HOW DO YOU DO IT, REESE’S?)

5. Easter M&Ms – If you don’t swoon over little m’s with chick beaks and bunny whiskers on them, you might want to go to a witch doctor and get your soul checked out.

4. Russell Stover dark chocolate fudge eggs – Good ol’ Russell has brought us many good things, including delectable Easter eggs in various flavors, but these dark chocolate fudge eggs are the equivalent of sending my taste buds on a spa day.

3. Palmer chocolate peanut butter bunny – I’ll never pass up an opportunity to sing Palmer’s praises. There’s just something about their chocolate, particularly their peanut butter and chocolate pairing. The bunny shape just makes it that much more fun.

2. Milky Way bunnies – What can I say? I have a thing for bunnies. The Milky Way bunnies are somehow, I think, at least twice as good as a regular Milky Way. The chocolate is smoother, the caramel is gooier. Definitely slip these into your Easter basket.

1.Milk chocolate Cadbury mini eggs – No, I don’t mean the cream-filled eggs (although those are delicious). They didn’t make the list because I felt these little eggs represent the Cadbury name well. It’s not Easter until I’ve eaten these eggs. A delicate candy shell encases a dollop of chocolate that I suspect is spun from babies’ laughter and angels’ wings.

Well, folks, you have until Sunday, March 27 to stock up your Easter baskets (and a few hours afterward to snag twice as many treats at 50 percent off or more). You heard me say it at Christmastime, but even though candy and bunnies and egg hunts are fun, Christians observe Easter as the day Jesus rose from the dead, thereby solidifying the eternal life anyone in the world – past, present and future – can have through Him. Even if you don’t believe that Jesus is the world’s savior, still take time to love your family and those around you this Easter. It’s a fun time.