Day Twenty: Trusting
My ability to trust any male to whom I was romantically attracted often fluctuated throughout my dating years, as I’m sure is the case with most people. Find someone, date, relationship goes well, relationship falls apart, close off heart, repeat process. As I had been told/warned by other engaged and married couples of various ages, you have to learn to drop your baggage at the door when it comes to your spouse, otherwise it’s going to be a rough go.
I seem to recall mentioning a few times before that when Cory and I met, neither of us had any intention of staying together. We enjoyed each other’s company, the conversation, the ease with which we could go places and do things; but I think mostly we enjoyed the lack of pressure. I didn’t plan on staying with Cory – nor did I plan on planning on staying with Cory – so I didn’t have to put any trust in him. He could hold my hand, but not my heart. And he rarely attempted the former.
B.C. – Before Cory – I had completely trusted every guy throughout our relationship. Even when they did or said something hurtful or downright despicable, I met each slight with the optimism that they were just having a bad day or just felt pressured by the weight of the relationship, and that everything would be fine in a few days. My trust had been violated so many times by the time I met Cory, that I had decided not to give it freely – if at all – ever again.
When Cory asked me to be his girlfriend, I was more than hesitant; I couldn’t allow myself to believe it was really happening. As soon as I’m officially invested, the aftershocks of a potential breakup will be even more violent than before an official investment, I thought. So, honestly, I pretended for about another month that Cory and I were little more than good friends. In a way, I felt that we were still in a trial period, like we were still test driving each other to see if we really wanted to sign and put more miles on the odometer. Once we were off the lot, though, everything would change, I feared.
Slowly, however, I came around. I realized I could trust Cory in the same way that you realize you can trust your water to come on or the way that Netflix saved that movie you were watching right at the very spot you paused it a week ago. It became a normal function of which one day I just happened to become aware. And I was immediately thankful for it.
There are still times when I have to apologize to Cory for reacting in a certain way in situations that my heart had come to learn would result in shattered trust. Like everyone, I think we both have baggage we should and desperately want to leave at the door. I keep finding misplaced socks or grimy toothbrushes of memories that have worked their way loose from the bags, but I quickly shove them back in and kick that bag to the side with the rest of them.