Day Twenty-One: Unsure of Myself
Some of my themes throughout this series have either gone hand in hand or repeated themselves, and today is perhaps another instance of that.
I have previously alluded to my lack of confidence in myself and in my relationships for several years. My struggles have been – and in some cases continue to be – as varied as body image, speaking my opinion, appropriate college courses to take, what to make for dinner, how to disagree with a roommate, what movie to suggest seeing at the theater, and so forth. A few decisions I’ve made in some of those categories still stand out in my mind, whether because I chose wisely or unwisely. It seems to be those unwise choices that haunted – and sometimes still haunt – my future decision making.
Not that I think that’s unusual for people in general. I have little doubt that we all struggle with a decision after we’ve previously made a poor one in a related situation. He got mad at me the last time I asked him to go to church with me, so I’ll just try not to mention even going when we talk. Or, She didn’t speak to me for two weeks after I yelled at her to do her fair share of the cleaning, so I’ll just eat dinner in my room for a while. Or, I gained two pounds after that Blizzard yesterday. Maybe I’ll just eat one meal today.
Sometimes my uncertainty has saved me from a fractured friendship or an uncomfortable evening meal. Sometimes my uncertainty has prevented me from realizing my self worth or seizing my dignity. But as my relationship with Cory has continued to strengthen, so has my confidence in myself.
Seldom these days does my heart bounce around in my chest like an intense game of racquetball when I have to discuss a serious topic with Cory. Being with him has bettered me as a person, and I know that my thoughts are valid and respected and will receive the attention and consideration they deserve, just as his thoughts are and do with me. I also know that even when my opinions or the way I express them are opposed, I don’t have a reason to be afraid of devastating consequences, like days of the silent treatment or name calling.
And maybe Cory and I are still in the honeymoon phase – even though we haven’t been on a honeymoon yet – and we’ll both struggle with uncertainty in ourselves as conflicts arise in our marriage. I’d like to think, though, that we’re building a solid foundation for a forthcoming, welcoming, affirming relationship that will withstand the decades.
Despite the uncertainty I’ve faced in past relationships, I face no uncertainty in one primary aspect of my current relationship: this guy is the one.