Day Twenty-Two: Vilified
Today’s word is perhaps not as harsh as it sounds. I have been fortunate to never find myself in a verbally or physically abusive relationship. I do, however, believe that my heart – and maybe even my sanity – suffered abuse, or vilification.
With the exception of one, maybe two of the guys I dated before meeting Cory, I don’t believe that my boyfriends intentionally hurt me. Couples argue and sometimes hateful words are exchanged, and when relationships dissolve, the lack of concern, desire or tolerance for the other person dissolves as well. Both scenarios can lead to hurt feelings. Both scenarios can leave emotional scars.
But what made me feel vilified more than anything as run-of-the-mill as an argument was the fact that, ultimately, none of those guys actually treasured my heart. Not permanently, anyway. I felt that I had an abundance of love to give, so why didn’t they want it?
A lot of factors played in to the situation from both sides: immaturity, unpreparedness for a relationship, selfishness, unrealistic expectations, optimism, pessimism, poor communication, different needs, etc. The result was still the same: however much of my heart I’d offered had been stomped on and kicked aside.
Basically, I’m just rambling on about something most of us who’ve been in a relationship already know; that no matter how you try to put your heart back together after a fracture or a complete shattering, the scars are still there. And, like a victim of abuse, the heart is left timid, suspicious and weary. (Please don’t think I’m making light of abuse. That’s certainly not what I’m doing here. Abuse is a very serious thing, and I would never suggest that my broken heart was ever nearly as severe as the haunted days of an abuse victim.)
Although Cory has and will hurt my feelings throughout our life together, I know that he treasures my heart and is not apathetic when he has hurt my feelings. As time goes on, I’m realizing that more every day.