The definitive list of concert-goer personalities

Last week, Cory and I took in a Dwight Yoakam concert at the downtown performing arts theatre. Yes, I know Mr. Yoakam hasn’t been exactly a superstar lately, and I think I could name two songs he has sung. But Cory and I had to go because Dwight Yoakam is partially responsible for why we’re together today.

It was in that light-hearted, feel-good film Slingblade that Yoakam played a lovable and easygoing surrogate father. (If you haven’t seen that movie, you should know right away that the preceding sentence is a joke.) When I first met Cory, I thought he favored Billy Bob Thornton, the star of the film, and when he referenced Slingblade at the end of our first date, I knew we had something in common. On that day (and nearly every day since), he and I have repeated Yoakam’s final line in the movie: “Karl?”

IMG_9430

At 60 years old, he still wears the tight pants and still dances.

Anyway, that was a side note. I’m actually here – for the first time in weeks – to talk about the concert. Cory and I have been to so many concerts that we are able to identify the cast of characters that regularly appears at these events. I’ll list them below. *I should note that Cory and I typically only see performers who haven’t had a hit in at least 30 years and are probably on heart medication, so these types of people may not be seen at all concerts.*

  1. The middle-aged/nearly senior adult female who is out for a night on the town and is dressed like all the young gals dress these days, with the shoulders and/or the sides cut out of her dress.
  2. The grizzled old man who saw the performer(s) on their 1981 tour and is wearing the holey T-shirt to prove it.
  3. The group of ladies making a girls’ night out of this thing and bought brand new snakeskin cowboy boots to wear that they obviously haven’t broken in yet.
  4. The teenage kid who likes this music and is just hoping none of his/her friends from school find out about this.
  5. The fortyish-year-old guy whose perceived friendship with the bass guitarist becomes more real to him with every beer.
  6. The couple who got these tickets free from a friend and have no idea who’s performing tonight.
  7. The elderly couple who are only here because they’re season ticket holders.
  8. The person sitting either directly in front, beside or behind you who knows every word to every song and wants to sing loudly enough that the performer can hear him/her from the stage.
  9. The couple or pair of friends who only clap occasionally and just want to sit and take it all in.
  10. The girl who just absolutely cannot hold her liquor and constantly “paints the sky,” dances provocatively, paws at her boyfriend, hugs her friend and holds up her third/fourth/fifth/ninth beer after every song.

There you have it, folks. I’ve been MIA for a few weeks with all this wedding and house stuff going on in my life, but I wanted to pop in for a quick blog post. If you know of other characters you’ve seen at concerts, tell me about them in the comments. I like to people watch even in my mind.

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About monicaspees

I'm Monica. I'm a twentysomething, and I like to write amusing things about my life and my observations. My imaginary alter ego is sometimes a comedian and sometimes a rock star.
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2 Responses to The definitive list of concert-goer personalities

  1. I think number 10’s father was at the Foreigner concert we went to. He didn’t understand why everyone didn’t want to jump up and down like he was. He was very social, kept trying to talk to everyone around him. The more beer he drank, the more sociable he became. Hard to jump around to a bunch of old guys on stools playing the slow acoustic version of Jukebox Hero.

    • monicaspees says:

      Oh no! Not the acoustic version! That’s rough. One of the more insistent fans we’ve seen was a lady at a Rolling Stones concert. We were literally on the very top row of the Tennessee Titans stadium, and this inebriated woman started telling us that Keith Richards had made himself immortal with blood transfusions, and then tried to get us to chant “Stones! Stones! Stones!” a half hour before they were even supposed to be on stage.

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